Lets Talk Lingerie

So I've been talking to some friends of mine about lingerie preference. Outside of all of us agreeing that commando rules (more for the surprise factor than anything)we tend to differ (much like our opinions of shaved vs not shaved) on which styles we like the best.I tell them that mainly style doesn't matter as long as the lingerie isn't $3 Wal-Mart stuff. One of my long time friend is into that though - he likes the boyshorts that have lace and animal print. I'm a fan of thinking that looks like someone in a trailer would wear - but it does it for him and that's his thing.

So I've decided to scour the web for the basic panty types and comment on them. We all agree that most bra's are hot - they're holding boobs and we wish we were them. I'm opinionated enough to know which styles of those I like too - but that point seemed lost on these guys - so it's not worth hashing out here.

Now I didn't include 'specialty panties' - I felt those would ultimately fall into one of these categories. Yes there is something exciting about crotchless panties and ones made out of the candy from candy necklaces - but these aren't exactly daily wear now are they? To further prove my point, the candy ones can be broken down in to the 'briefs' category anyways.

Ha. Plus one for panty logic.

Brief - The classic day to day go anywhere do anything panty. The lower cut ones usually look good on whoever is wearing them. However, keep this tip in mind always - panties above or on the navel aren't sexy. Sorry. They're not. They're functional for making better form - but they're not sexy.

Thong - Thongs get a bad wrap. It's my belief that much like G-strings, all the women that hate them have only had terrible Walmart brands or the 3 for $20 Victoria's Secret brand. Seriously, do yourself a favor and look into some real lingerie if you feel frisky enough for a thong. Try here.

Brazilian Tanga - I can't say much about this style other than it reminds me of thermal bandages from The Fifth Element. It's sort of some hybrid thing that I just don't get. Plus, it looks uncomfortable in all the wrong places.

Brazilian - These are like long boyshorts. I'm not a huge fan. I think it's because it's fun to see where the legs meet the hips - this is like some sort of lacy censorship bar from late night cable.

Boythong - Ok, so what's the difference in this and the tanga thing? Material only? Though these don't necessarly look like upside down V's - so it's got 2 points on the tanga already.

G-String - Once again don't hate until you've at least tried the Soire collection from the link above. They're not that expensive and seriously - they're fuckin' hot. There isn't a nice way to say it. G-Strings that are low cut that don't hide much but hide just enough to leave the mystery there for a little while - it's the best invention ever next to going commando in a skirt.

Boyleg - Girls, look. I hated this style of brief thing when I was a kid and my Underoos had Spiderman on them. Seriously - what the hell? There are a few things women can wear that are "men style" that are hot. One of my button down shirts and nothing else, a fedora (ok, maybe with my button down shirt), a hockey jersey (and nothing else), and the Cargo Pants / Hoodie outfit (so it's unisex - but it's cute). Underwear that are cut for little boys? Come on. There has to be something equally as comfortable out there and more feminine. These are good for function (assuming you don't want your testicles slamming together at the gym..wait..that's me..) I guess - but form, not so much.

Bikini - Ok, now we're talking. Full coverage in the front and back but showing off where the thighs meet the hip. String bikini or regular are ok. Anything but those 80's "French" ones that look like you have to pull them up to your boobs to get them on right. They don't make you look leggy - they make you look like you should be sleeping with Axl Rose... or in an early 90's softcore skin flick like Caged Heat or Busty Cops.

Granny - NO NO NO NO NO. These are again function over style. They are also Birth Control Panties. This looks will most likely prevent any penis from it's desired copulatory state. I'm sure that when the Haynes 3 packs are on sale it's hard to pass up - but please, Please, PLEASE don't ever confuse these with sexy. The longer legs and high long waist make it look like you just don't ever want sex and you should go make me some banana pudding and knit something.

I know that I don't have to (nor do I intend to try) wear these things. I'm guilty of picking boxer briefs if I'm going to the gym - but I'm also doing you a favor (to whomever you is in the future) by not sporting the ultimate ugly in underwear fashion:

The Tighty Whitey - The granny panty of the men's world. Abhorrent in every way. They are saggy everywhere, don't hold your junk when you happen to be in an, ahem, excitable situation, and worst of all - there is no way to look good in them. For the most part, naked men are ugly beings. Body hair, love handles, and testicles - but when you rock these you're saying "I'm not even trying. They're $6.99 for 5 pair and I don't understand why guys pay $18 for a pair of boxers from The Gap - I'm frugal and responsible - please don't reject me".

Men - don't do this. Spend some money on descent boxers (NO COMIC BOOK CHARACTERS WHEN YOU'RE OLDER THAN 25) and WHATEVER YOU DO - No socks and underwear only. Take your damn socks off right after your shoes before you get undressed. You look a damn sight foolish standing there ready for love in socks and underware - and if the night is going right and you're about ready for some oral lovin' and the undies come off - you're left in socks.

Then you're one of "those guys".

Yep.

"Those Guys".