Random Sex Toys

One of the benefits to a blog site like this is that Google will publish it in a listing or people using Stumble will link it. What this means is exposure but more importantly it means random emails with things that I'd never expected to find. I got a request for a review of sex toys, much like my review I did of womens panty style. To be quite honest, I don't know what the hell I'd review.

I'm not going to go out and buy 50 dildos and ask people which ones feel better. I'm not going out and buying all 10 clone-a-cock kits and seeing which one is a most excellent plaster representation of my anatomy.

However, in the spirit of being accommodating I will compile a list of the weirdest sex toys I've had grace my internet browser. So here's the catch, if YOU'VE tried one of these (or more) out, feel free to send me the review and I'll post it - with or without credit (I mean, if you've turned a cantaloupe and cucumber into a dildo.. would you REALLY want credit on the 'net?)

The "Laser Sword Dildo" courtesyof http://www.homemade-sex-toys.com. Yep, take a iridecent jelly style dildo and a light saber toy - and you've got yourself something even the angriest of Sith Lords will love.

Next we have the "Sex in a Can" from http://www.nitetimetoys.com. Apparently it's made to look like a can of ale...and you have sex with it.

..and from the "I can't stop crying I'm laughing so hard" department, I present to you "The Auto Suck". It's a device that has a fake mouth that you plug into the cigarette lighter in your car - and then put it on your dick while driving....

For those of you who need a little five knuckle lovin' - here is "The Fist". Interestingly enough, looking at the URL, this is in the Anal section - so now we know where this particular fist goes.

To the other end of the body, we have the "Vagina Foot". Best description ever on this website.

This list does not include the things that you strap to your head that are dildos to help give head while giving head..or something...or anything from Japan. Those bastards invented weird and the "make your own tentacle scene" just doesn't do it for me.

**EDIT** - Also include anything else on this list http://www.sextoyparty.com/strangesextoys.html.

Our Moment

There was a slight tremor in her voice as she said "I need you, I need you like I've never needed another". The moonlight coming in through the open window casting shadows over her nearly naked body. No shadows could hide the spark in her eyes though, they were full of lust and passion at this moment. This moment would be ours to cherish from now until all the tomorrows are gone. I knew this all too well. I'd never felt such an attraction to any woman. Worried of over thinking and stumbling over myself I decided to let the moment take control.

No logic. No planning.

Simply she and I.

A half cocked smile was all I needed to see, before she could breathe another word from her sexy lips I had them pressed against mine. The kiss was hard but not forceful and it was very deep. The attraction was too strong to call for anything else. Tenderness would come but it had to wait it's turn. I felt her tongue probing my lips and I gladly obliged. I felt her grip on my back tighten and then relax as I slid my hand down her back and toyed with her thong.

With our initial burst of passion well underway she pushes me back just a little, all the while smiling that half cocked smile. She didn't even give me a chance to take off her bra, it was off before I could even offer. She grabbed my hands and placed them on her hips and slowly guided them to her breasts. She moaned softly as I caressed her in the moonlight. I felt her nipples get erect as I gave them a soft pinch and whispered words of love and devotion in her ear.

I knew she was mine.

She knew I was hers.

We knew this moment was ours.

With her head thrown back and her neck exposed I began to kiss down her neck to her shoulders. She wasn't going to get a chance to finish undressing. I slid my hand from her breasts down to her waist and began to play with her panties a little. The soft moan she gave when I slid my hand down the front and felt how hot and wet she'd gotten from a night of flirting and a moment of no inhibitions, turned into fingernails on my back as I rubbed softly back and forth before sliding my finger inside her and then around her clit. The rhythmic motion of the digital manipulation caused our bodies to sway together back and forth keeping perfect time. I pulled her closer with my free arm and gazed into her eyes. Words were not necessary - then and there she was melting before my eyes. The sweet sounds of ecstasy filling the room as I stopped long enough to take her panties off.

Sliding them to the floor ever so slow, slightly teasing kisses all the way down and back up. Stopping for a moment to drag my tongue up her inner thigh and give a quick flick to part her lips. My body goes into overdrive as I take her in my mouth and begin stroking her with my tongue. I feel her hands slide through my hair and pull me in tighter. I can feel her legs begin to quiver and slowly stop drawing each stroke as slowly as possible. I move my way up her body not daring to be more than a hairs breath away from her. I need to feel her against me, I've waited so long for this - our moment.

I pull my shirt over my head and before it's on the floor shes giving me vampire kisses - part kiss, part bite, part lick - she knows this drives me wild. The fine like between ultimate pleasure and slight pain. I undo my jeans and let them fall to the ground and she helps with the boxers. The look in her eyes tells me she's going to return the favor of the pleasure I gave her. She takes me in her hand and begins a light stroke and looks up at me with no fear, no qualms and puts my cock in her mouth and slides down to the base. Back and forth, ever so tender - I get harder with each motion she makes.

I can't take it any longer, I must know what the climax of this evening will feel like. She can tell, stands up and kisses me deeply. Two lovers cast in moonlit shadows about to know each other for the first time. She lays down on the bed with no pretense, eyes shining with more that simple lust - the chemistry is unmistakable. Sliding into bed I feel both our bodies shaking with a bit of nervousness. I take her hand and kiss her. Tenderness has waited patiently for this moment. Softly we kiss and I feel her bite down on my lip and reach to pull me on top of her.

I slide into her tight wet pussy, slowly at first. I can feel my heartbeat speed up as she softly says "more.... harder...". I can't look away from her eyes, not even to survey her beautiful body laying there fully exposed. I lean in for a kiss at the same time pulling her legs around my neck. I can feel myself slide deeper inside her and our movement has become that of one body. Feeling our tongues dancing around one another and her nails pull down my back I can't help but thrust harder.

I feel her tighten her legs and her breathing increases.... I know she's on the verge of climax. I begin to play with her clit as I slide deep inside her, our hips grinding together. The sheets beneath us are damp with sweat and our bodies now glisten in moonlight. She quickly reaches up and pulls my neck down so that our lips once again meet until she pushes me away long enough to let her body erupt. I can feel her body respond with contractions and an "Oh God". as she lets go and climaxes. "Oh God.... Keith... Oh.." words coming out in broken phrases as her body begins to relax.

"Your turn" she tells me playfully and has me lie on my back as she gets on top of me. Her dark hair tracing my face as we hungrily kiss. I can feel her grab me and slide me inside her as she begins to ride me, holding my arms now above my head on the pillow. She's in total control. I love every minute of it. Watching her body move in unison with mine I still can't help but fixate on her eyes - until I can't take it anymore - she's let me deep inside her and knew exactly what I needed to feel. My legs tighten and my breathing is quicker - she coaches me "Cum baby, please.. " in a tone that dripped with honey and sensuality. .

Sweet release as my nerves go haywire. Everything is more sensitive and I lay there out of breath looking into those eyes...

Our moment

She lays down beside me smiling such a beautiful smile. A smile that's softer than silk. A soft kiss and an embrace... a chance now to fall asleep in the arms of a lover that makes my heart flutter - in a place where dream and fantasy crashed with reality and made our moment... this culmination of flirting, teasing, and love a physical manifestation and a tangible thing. Somewhere far beyond the reaches of "just sex" this was an expression of so much more than physical release. I felt her heart beat with mine and our dreams mingle on the altar of passion... as my eyes close I still taste her on my lips - a smile crosses my lips as I hear her softly breathing already awaiting me in the realm of dreams. She's safe in my arms and safe is where she'll stay as long as she wants to.

The London Beer Garden

Something about London that drips with repressed sexual urges. The people, men and women alike, here are so subdued and polite but look very frustrated. There is a show on television right now called "The Girls Guide to Sex in the 21st Century" and I'm not kidding they've said three times "Most of us have sex is only one or two positions". They're now teaching me the Lotus position. I have to admit, that looks like fun. I am happy to report though that the women on this show all have at least racing stripes - fuck yea, no folliclly challenged vagina in the UK. God save the Queen for that.

Anyways.

I was sitting at the Three Magpie's pub tonight outside in the back. This area of the pub is known as the Beer Garden. After a few pints I relaxed a little and started to let my mind wander through it all. I couldn't imagine how much better this trip would be sitting out in that garden with a lover.

I don't care what the other title is in the relationship - girlfriend, wife, etc.. tonight the lover aspect would have been the one I'd have catered to. Heavy petting, deep kissing, and slightly inappropriate hand placement under the table. It's dark, it's 65 degrees, it's breezy, the 3/4 mile walk to the pub had a light sweat worked up, and the beer was just perfect. and I've been away from home long enough to realize that I'm not just a day or two away from being back.

Strange what the mind can pickup on. I should be missing my dog, my xbox, my office, my friends, and my ability to order sweet tea. I'm not. I'm missing a lover that doesn't exist. I'm missing lovers that once existed. I can't decide how much of the person it is or how much of the acts.

I wonder how much of it is "take me home and fuck me" or "we need to go, now". I wonder how much of it is the desire to see the new panties sliding off to the floor or missing the impromptu blow jobs. Maybe it's the fucking over a jack-o-lantern or that feeling of stepping into a hot shower with whispers of lust coming from lips that are moving below my waist.

There isn't anything about a lover I don't miss. I might miss other things about the relationship, but not tonight. Tonight I don't want tender. Tonight I don't want soft. Tonight I want to feel body heat, sweat, finger nails, hard deep kisses, and thoughts that would make a porn star blush. No holds barred sex. No, not just sex - some wild monkey super zebra sex. Primal.

Will it be different when I wake up? Maybe. Maybe then I simply long for that emotional connection and soft touch - but not tonight. Not this minute. This night belongs to a primal urge that won't be acted on. It's nights like this that are simply tragic, tragic because they're wasted alone in a hotel room in London.